BERKELEY, CA—Nineties punk Drew Tolbert, 29, expressed scorn Monday for the punks of today, denouncing them as "phony poseurs unworthy of the word 'punk.'"

Brilliant stuff from The Onion this week. This whole article, in addition to making me laugh out loud, caused me to think back on the many pointless debates I've engaged on the topic "What is Punk?". For the sake of my sanity, I declared a personal moratorium on the argument a few years ago, deciding in the end that 'Punk' meant whatever you wanted it to, but I'm well aware that the debate goes on certain quarters. Usually, the debate over whether a band is 'punk' begins at roughly the moment when the band's video first appears on Muchmusic (or MTV, or what-have-you), and continues until entropy has ended the faint quivering of the last atom in the universe. This is because people are going about the argument from the wrong end. The question, rather than "What is punk?" should be "What is not punk?". And therefore, with great pride, I bring the first installment of the Big List of Things That Are Not Punk. Submissions are welcome.

These Things Are Not Punk!!

1. Post-It Notes
2. Bright copper kettles
3. Hallmark cards
4. Christine Aguilera (this is too easy!)
5. Authors who rip off Tom Clancy
6. Tom Clancy
7. Blink 182
8. Anybody, and I mean anybody, who reads Maxim magazine for any reason.
9. Voting for the Canadian Alliance
10. Incorrect use of the word 'patriotism.'
11. Reality TV (did I mention that this is easy)
12. Several types of food (I'm not saying which ones).
13. That drunk guy in the pub who insists on telling you his life story.

Let me stress that this is only a preliminary list, but it is a start, and you are now much wiser!